Tag: Solitude

Categories
Living Walking

The Heron at Sharon Park

The heron did not fly.

Herons stand in water every morning of the world. Most don’t fly when a man walks past on a gravel path. But this one was close — close enough to see the yellow ring around its eye like a struck coin, the black cap combed back into two sharp feathers, a heron dressed for church. It considered me, or the water, or nothing at all, holding a stillness that costs a heron nothing and would cost me everything.

Sharon Park keeps a rotating cast of herons the way other places keep pigeons — gray, ill-tempered looking, small monks set down among the ducks. Usually they see me first and go up off the water in that ungainly unfolding, all elbows, and I’m left with the consolation of having glimpsed something before it left. This one let me stay. Let me get close enough to think the word friendly, though I know better — what I was seeing was a fish, or the absence of one, some interior calculus that had nothing to do with me. I was not a guest. I was weather.

It stood on one leg in green water, a green wall of reflected trees behind it, the low light turning that whole ceiling of water the color of a bottle. Its double stood beneath it, upside down, exact, patient as the original. Two herons for the price of one — one of feather, one of light, and I couldn’t have told you which was more real. The one in the water bent its neck into a shape the standing bird hadn’t made yet. It knew something the standing bird didn’t know, or had already forgotten.

Bubbles rose between them, a seam breaking the skin of the pond in a line, as though something down there were breathing, or as though the pond had decided, just this once, to show its work. Gas, probably, some decaying business at the bottom. But it looked like punctuation — the pond trying to say something and getting only as far as a string of commas before losing the thought.

I stood there longer than the moment required. This is what a heron does, if it lets you close and doesn’t leave: it makes you overstay. I thought about how little the bird was doing and how much I was doing to it — assigning it moods, welcoming it into my morning, when the truth was likely that it was simply waiting, the way I wait for coffee to cool, without company, without me. And yet it let me stay. Whatever arithmetic decided that, I was on the right side of it, for once, on an ordinary morning, my shoes going damp at the toe from standing too close to the edge.

Eventually I walked on, the way the heron surely expected I would, since staying is not a thing men do at ponds. I looked back once. It hadn’t moved. Its reflection hadn’t moved. The bubbles were still rising in their careful, aimless line — saying nothing, saying everything, the pond continuing to be a pond after I’d stopped watching it be one.

Categories
Monochrome Photography New York City Photography Photography - Black & White

Bookends

Bookends - New York City - 2010

The tile is the first thing, and it should be. Count the squares if you want — institutional cream, grouted in a pattern nobody alive remembers choosing, the kind of tile that has been absorbing the heat and noise of trains since before anyone on this bench was born. This line has been running since 1904. The platform across from it, the old City Hall stop, closed in 1945 and now exists only as a rumor riders pass through without seeing, a loop the express makes for no reason except that turning around takes track. Everything in this photograph is standing on top of something that used to be a destination and is now just a curve in the dark.

Seven people are sitting on a bench that has nothing to do with any of that history, and everything to do with it.

Start with the one who’s still here. T-shirt, checkerboard skull, gym bag held against his ankle the way you hold something you can’t afford to lose track of. His hands are clasped between his knees, not relaxed, not nervous — occupied. Everyone else on this bench has gone somewhere else. He hasn’t. He’s looking off toward the tunnel mouth with the specific stillness of a man doing arithmetic about how late he already is, and the bag at his feet is doing exactly what gym bags do at that hour, which is stand in for whatever he’s actually carrying.

To his left, a woman reads a paperback — Wilde, from the spine, which is its own small joke on a subway platform, a story about a man who doesn’t age sitting in the lap of a woman waiting on a train that’s already late. Her purse, gold, sits on her knees like a paperweight holding her place. Next to her, a woman in a cream jacket has wired herself into something private through a pair of earbuds, hands folded over a small plaid pouch she’s guarding like it’s worth more than its size suggests. Two men at the far end have given up on consciousness altogether — one with his chin dropped into the posture every commuter eventually perfects, the other with his head against a fist and a phone somewhere near his ear, gone in whatever direction that call is taking him.

This is what a downtown platform in lower Manhattan does to seven strangers at whatever hour this was: financial district behind them, City Hall and the courthouses above, the bridge somewhere overhead carrying its own century of foot traffic — and none of it matters to the bench. The bench doesn’t know what borough it’s in. It just holds people until the train comes and takes the holding away.

The photograph is called Bookends, for the two men slumped at either end, and that’s the obvious read. But look again at who’s in the middle — the reader with her book, held between two men who have shut the world off completely. She’s the only one inside a story while sitting inside someone else’s. That’s the trick of the title. It sounds like geometry. It’s actually about who, on a bench like this, is still willing to be somewhere other than gone.

The train would come. It always does, eventually, on a line that’s been doing this since 1904, two minutes or eight minutes late, and it would take all seven of them in whatever direction they were waiting for, and none of them would know they’d spent four minutes on a bench old enough to have held this exact scene ten thousand times before — six people who’d left, and one who, for reasons of his own, hadn’t gone anywhere yet.

Categories
Travel

The Marquee Beside the Mission

The hotel was three blocks from the Alamo, six in the morning, nobody else on the sidewalk, the city still deciding whether to wake up. The marquee stopped me first. MAJESTIC, gold on red, neon ropes looped along the underside like a county fair nobody took down — forty, fifty years running. And on the reader board, where you’d expect coming attractions: STEVE MARTIN & MARTIN SHORT IN A VERY STUPID CONVERSATION. JULY 10. 8PM.

Someone had sat down and typed that into the letters on purpose, knowing it would just hang there above the sidewalk all month, making people smile before their coffee.

A woman was bent over a rolling suitcase in front of the dark theater doors, untangling a scarf, a strap, something — the absorbed patience of someone catching an early flight. She didn’t look up at the sign. She’d probably walked past it a hundred times. That’s the thing about the landmarks you live near: they go invisible. It takes someone who flew in this morning to actually read the marquee.

I kept walking and found the Alamo doing the thing the Alamo does — holding still under the weight of everything people have decided it means. Texas independence, the thirteen days, Travis’s line in the sand that may or may not have happened the way the movies say. Solemn, in spite of the gift shop. I stood in the plaza and felt the appropriate things. Then I thought about the marquee again, three blocks back, still making its joke to an empty street.

The Alamo has to mean something. The marquee just has to make you laugh on your way to the thing that’s supposed to mean something. Reverence is a posture you adopt on command, the way you lower your voice in a church whether or not you believe in anything. The joke asked nothing of me.

I still think about the woman with the suitcase more than the cannon emplacements. Untangling a scarf under a hundred-year-old sign advertising a stupid conversation, three blocks from where men died arguing about a flag. Both buildings still standing. Both still pulling people in off the same street. One asks you to be quiet. The other asks you to keep walking and see what’s funny about being alive in a particular city on a particular morning, before the heat sets in, before anyone else is up to see it with you.

Categories
Dayton Ohio Memories

The Mirror and the Boxcar

When the plane started circling, I needed to disappear.

I was just goofing around on my own with an army surplus signaling mirror in our treeless backyard in Kettering. A thick piece of bright rectangular glass with an opening in the middle where light could shine through a cross. To signal you had to line up the light shining through with the opening.

Living close to Wright-Patterson, C-119 Flying Boxcars were a common sight. I could hear one coming before I could see it. I turned and scanned the sky. There it was.

Maybe this was worth a try. What did it even mean?

I held it up, aimed and hoped.

Then I saw it. The plane started a turn to the left. Uh oh.

I didn’t want to be reported. I ran into the woods behind our house. I watched and waited.

The circle completed. The boxcar flew on.

I walked back into the house and put the mirror back on the chest of drawers in my bedroom.

I never told anyone. Not even you.

Categories
Books Living Quotations

The Smallness of Being Nowhere

There’s a sentence I keep returning to from Blue Highways, William Least Heat-Moon’s account of driving the back roads of America after his marriage ended and his teaching job disappeared in the same week:

“In a hotel room at the geographical center of North America, a neon sign blinking red through the cold curtains, I lay quietly like a small idea in a vacant mind.”

I’ve read it probably a dozen times now and it still does something to me. The question I can’t shake: why does it work so completely?

The setup is all precision and specificity. “The geographical center of North America” — Heat-Moon is actually in Rugby, North Dakota, a place so particular it exists mostly as a fact. You cannot be more specifically somewhere on a continent and also be more nowhere. That’s the first compression: location as the opposite of orientation.

Then the neon sign. Red through cold curtains. He doesn’t describe the room — the bed, the low ceiling, the highway sound. He gives you the one sensory detail that pulses, that intrudes. Red blinking through fabric. That’s loneliness rendered as light. You don’t need the rest of the room. You already know it.

And then the simile arrives, and it’s the sentence’s whole reason for existing.

Like a small idea in a vacant mind.

What’s strange is that it shouldn’t work. It’s abstract — ideas, minds — in a sentence that’s been building toward the physical and concrete. But Heat-Moon has earned the turn. He’s given us geography, then sensation, and now he cashes both in for something interior. The simile tells you exactly how the previous details felt from the inside: not tragic, not dramatic, not even particularly sad. Just small. A flicker of thought in an empty space.

The word “quietly” is doing more than it announces. He doesn’t lie there awake or restless or afraid, all the words that would have been available and true and insufficient. He lies quietly, which is a posture, not an emotion. It places him in the scene without claiming too much about what the scene means.

This is what I find myself most drawn to: the sentence doesn’t reach for profundity. It doesn’t tell you this moment is significant, doesn’t linger on the loss that brought him there. It just describes, precisely, what it’s like to be a self that has temporarily lost its weight — to exist at the center of something vast while feeling like an afterthought in your own head.

There’s another line from the same book that works entirely differently, and I keep it nearby as a kind of corrective:

“Life doesn’t happen along interstates. It’s against the law.”

The first sentence is a philosophy. The second sentence is a joke about highway regulations that somehow confirms the philosophy. The gap between those two moves — the microsecond where you process that he means both things — is where the humor lives.

What’s funny is also true: the interstate is literally designed to prevent you from stopping, from turning off, from being anywhere specific. You are processed through the landscape like freight. Heat-Moon understood that the road you take isn’t a neutral choice. The blue highways of the title — the old two-lane routes, drawn in blue on gas station maps — were the ones where you might actually arrive somewhere, talk to someone, become something other than your destination.

The joke earns its keep because it doesn’t explain itself. He trusts you to feel the absurdity and then sit with the fact that absurdity is sometimes just accuracy.

What strikes me, holding both sentences together, is how much range lives in a single book. The hotel room passage asks you to feel the weight of smallness. The interstate line asks you to laugh at the systems we build to keep life at a safe distance. Both are true. Both are, in their different registers, about the same thing: what you miss when you move through the world without stopping.

That’s what the geographical center does. At the exact middle of a continent, you are as far from every edge as you can be. You are equidistant from significance. The neon blinks anyway. And you are there, small, in the dark — on a blue highway, not an interstate. Which means, at least according to Heat-Moon, that something might still happen.

I don’t know why I find this more moving than sentences that try harder. Maybe because precision, applied to the right details, is its own kind of tenderness.

Or maybe it’s just that I’ve been that small idea in a vacant mind, and it’s a relief to find it named.

Categories
Blogs/Weblogs Writing

Notes for a Distant Shore

I spend an embarrassing amount of time trying to control how people hear me. Most of us do. We want to be understood, neatly categorized, and told we make sense. But sitting down to actually write and sharing publicly requires dropping all of that. You just have to surrender.

Richard Rhodes nailed the feeling:

“To write is always to seal notes into bottles and cast them adrift at sea; you never know where your notes will drift and who will read them.”

You’re basically bottling up whatever is rattling around in your head on a Tuesday afternoon, tossing it into the digital ocean, and walking away. It’s vulnerable. Honestly, it’s a little reckless.

Once the bottle leaves your hand, you lose your voice. You can’t tap the reader on the shoulder to explain what a sentence really meant. The person who finds it brings their own weather to the shore. They might read a lifeline into a paragraph you barely thought about, or miss your main point entirely because they were distracted by the tide.

Forget about engagement metrics. The connections that actually matter rarely show up on a dashboard anyway. You write something, and it drifts. Maybe for years. Then someone stumbles over it exactly when they need it. You aren’t writing for a demographic; you’re writing for some random person walking the beach. True serendipity.

In the end, you just have to trust the water. Even if the bottle sinks, the act of throwing it is usually satisfying enough.

“Write as if you were dying. At the same time, assume you write for an audience consisting solely of terminal patients. That is, after all, the case. What would you begin writing if you knew you would die soon? What could you say to a dying person that would not enrage by its triviality?” (Annie Dillard, The Writing Life)

Categories
Living Massachusetts Nature

The Quiet Neighbor

There is a specific kind of silence that exists only in the shadow of fame. In Lincoln, Massachusetts, just a stone’s throw from where we used to live, lies Farrar Pond. It stretches out, bordered by trails and trees that turn to flame in the autumn, holding its water with a calm dignity.

It is beautiful, certainly. But it is not the pond.

Just over the hill sits Walden. That is where the pilgrims go. They go to see the replica of the cabin; they go to find Henry David Thoreau’s ghost; they go to stand in the spot where American transcendentalism found its footing. Walden is a celebrity. It carries the weight of history, of literature, and of the thousands of footsteps seeking an epiphany.

But we walked to Farrar.

There is a distinct grace in the “next pond over.” Farrar Pond doesn’t have a manifesto written about it. No one quotes its water levels in philosophy classes. Because it lacks the burden of expectation, it offers something Walden often struggles to provide amidst the tourists: actual solitude.

Living close by, you realize that nature does not distribute beauty based on historical significance. The herons stalking the shallows of Farrar do not care that they are fishing in the “lesser” water. The maples reflect just as clearly on its surface as they do on its famous neighbor’s.

“Nature does not distribute beauty based on historical significance.”

We often spend our lives chasing the Waldens—the recognized achievements, the famous locations, the validated experiences. We want to be where the plaque is. But life is mostly lived in the Farrar Ponds of the world: the quiet, unmarked places just down the road. The places that belong to us, not because they are famous, but because we were there to witness them.

Walden belongs to the world. Farrar belonged to the quiet afternoons. And sometimes, the anonymity of a place is exactly what makes it sacred.