Tag: memoir

Categories
AI Creativity History Space SpaceX

The Patience of a Noisy Line

Paul Baran was laughing when he told me about AT&T.

This was before I joined the board of Telebit, his company, a seat I would hold because he later asked me to, which sounds like a credential and was really a gift. At the time we were simply meeting. Before he said a word about the idea the company was built on, he wanted me to know what had happened the first time he tried to explain packet switching to the people who owned the telephone network.

It had happened years earlier, in the early days. They heard him out. They decided it would never amount to anything. He told me the story the way you tell a story about an old friend’s worst haircut, with his whole face, delighted. What amused him was not that they were wrong. It was how complete their confidence was, the particular serenity of people who have never once had to imagine the thing that is about to replace them. Amusement, I would come to understand, was his entire theory of the people who said no.

Then he explained the modem.

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Categories
Aging Living

On Holding Hands

A musing after Roger Rosenblatt’s “I Want to Hold Her Hand“

It is a Tuesday in early fall, the kind of afternoon that doesn’t announce itself as anything special, and Roger Rosenblatt and his wife, Ginny, are walking somewhere they’ve probably walked a thousand times before. Their hands are together. Nobody watching them would think twice about it, because two old people holding hands on a sidewalk is one of the least remarkable sights in America. That’s the whole point. It isn’t remarkable. It’s just true.

Here’s what you’d need to know about them, if you were the kind of person who noticed. They held hands in high school, decades before either of them had a name for what that meant. They’ve held hands through the ordinary accumulation of a life — the mortgage, the kids, the funerals, the doctor’s appointments, the small emergencies that never make it into any story anyone tells at a dinner party.

And now they’re old, and the hands doing the holding aren’t the hands that started this.

Rosenblatt writes about the veins, the discoloration, the wrinkles like roads on a map nobody drew on purpose, and you get the sense he’s spent a lot of quiet time looking down at his own hand, trying to place when exactly it stopped belonging to the boy who first reached for a girl’s hand in some hallway sixty-some years ago.

There’s a version of this story in every small town in the country, if you know where to look. The couple at the diner counter splitting a slice of pie — not out of economy anymore, just habit. The man in the church parking lot with his hand under his wife’s elbow instead of around her fingers, because her balance isn’t what it was, and calling it the same thing anyway. Because it is the same thing.

Love, at this age, isn’t the version you see in the movies. It’s structural. Load-bearing. It’s what keeps two people upright once the friends have started dying off and the noise of the world has gone quiet around them.

Rosenblatt calls himself and Ginny a shaky Hansel and Gretel, lost in the woods. But read it again. They’re not lost. They’ve been down this path before, more times than either of them could count, and they know it by feel now, the way you know a staircase in the dark — not because you can see it, but because your hand remembers where the rail is.

Take my hand. Not to find the way. Because you already know it, and I want to walk it with you anyway.

Categories
Aging San Francisco/California Street Photography

The Permission of Fridays

Doug always walked a half-step ahead, which meant he saw things first, which meant I was usually watching him see them — the tilt of his head, the small pause before he brought the camera up — before I ever turned to look myself. Market Street on a Friday morning has its own weather system, independent of the sky: the gray light fog gives even bright colors.

We would set out with no destination, which was the whole method — what Jay Maisel, who died this summer at ninety-five, called going out empty. Leave the plan at home, he taught generations of photographers, so there’s room left in you to see something you didn’t already expect. You cannot plan to be astonished. You can only put yourself in the path of it and hope.

I have thought about those walks more than I expected to, now that they are gone. Not gone dramatically — no falling-out, no single last Friday we knew was the last Friday. Covid arrived and shut the passes between people the way weather closes a mountain road, and by the time it reopened, the rhythm had broken. We still talk. We just don’t walk anymore, and I have never entirely worked out why something so simple didn’t start back up, the way you’d think a habit that good would insist on its own return. It just didn’t come back.

Susan Orlean, in Joyride, writes about being a writer as a kind of permission — an excuse to linger in places past the point a normal person would move along, and then to go back and report on what was seen. She’s citing Mary Oliver’s instructions for living a life: pay attention, be astonished, tell about it.

A camera grants the identical permission a notebook does. Nobody stops a man with a camera on Market Street and asks him what he’s doing there. The camera is its own credential — I have a reason to be looking at you, at this doorway, at the light falling across these particular twenty feet of sidewalk, longer than is socially normal. Doug and I weren’t tourists and we weren’t reporters and we weren’t, most days, even talking about what we saw until afterward, over lunch. We were two men who had given ourselves formal license to pay attention to a city we loved, as if it might not be there next Friday.

It mostly was there next Friday. Until it wasn’t, in the way that most disruptions to a good practice aren’t dramatic so much as quietly permanent — a scheduling gap that never gets rescheduled, a street that starts to feel unfamiliar again because you stopped walking it with intention. I still have the pictures. A woman waiting at a bus stop with an expression I never satisfactorily explained to myself. The chess player’s hands, mid-reset, waiting on the next stranger. Doug, once, caught by someone else’s lens, walking a half-step ahead of a man he didn’t know was photographing him photographing the city.

The third instruction is the one that survived when the walks didn’t. I don’t walk Market Street with Doug anymore, but I’m telling you about it now, on a blog nobody assigned me to keep for twenty-five years. The credential just changed instruments — camera to keyboard. Orlean’s point, I think, is that the excuse and the obligation were always the same thing. You get to be there because you intend to come back and testify, and the testifying is the toll, due whether or not the place is still there when you go looking for it again.

Doug and I are not going to start walking on Fridays again. I’m too old for that kind of recommitment, and pretending otherwise would just be a nicer way of lying to myself. Plus physically it’s just beyond me now. This essay is itself a kind of substitute — the telling standing in for a habit of attending that got interrupted and never fully repaired.

Mary Oliver’s instructions don’t say what to do when the astonishment outlasts the practice that produced it. Maybe that’s the fourth instruction nobody wrote down: keep telling about it anyway, especially after you’ve stopped going. Or at least remembering.

Categories
Dayton Ohio Fathers Living

Three Machines

A worn IBM Selectric typewriter sitting beside a small offset printing press in a modest Berkeley print shop, late afternoon light through a storefront window, warm and slightly nostalgic, documentary photography style, no text or people visible.

I’m a chapter into Jeff Jarvis’s new book Hot Type. It tells the Linotype’s story from the top down — the tragic inventors, the media moguls, Mark Twain bankrupting himself on a rival machine. Publishers Weekly calls it “colorful and enthralling,” and the part I’ve read is. But reading it, I kept thinking about a story it doesn’t tell: not the story of one machine, but of a man who lived through three.

The first machine

My dad, Carl, was a Linotype operator, and later a foreman, at Dayton Typographic Service in the 1950s. The Linotype histories always start with Ottmar Mergenthaler, the engineer who built the machine in 1886, and they linger on the tycoons who bought fleets of them. That’s the inventor’s history.

The operator’s history starts with a man at a 90-key keyboard — arranged by letter frequency, which is why the most famous typo in newspaper history reads “etaoin shrdlu,” the mark of a finger run down the first two columns to flag a mistake. It continues with molten lead at 550 degrees, the clank and hiss of the caster, a smell that got into your clothes and never quite came out.

The Linotype didn’t deskill typesetting; it reskilled it. The hand compositors it replaced — the Swifts, who once held typesetting races before paying audiences of thousands — saw a centuries-old craft wither. But the machine demanded its own expertise: reading copy and keyboarding at speed, hearing a misaligned mold before it ruined a line, keeping a finicky foundry running through a deadline night. My dad’s generation learned that machine the way a musician learns an instrument.

On Saturday mornings he’d take me along while he caught up on work. I was watching a trade at its peak — I just didn’t know the peak was already behind it.

The second machine

Phototypesetting killed the Linotype the way the Linotype had killed hand-composition. My dad didn’t ride that one out. He left Dayton and, in Berkeley, opened a small offset print shop on Oxford Street, across from the Cal campus. The 90-key keyboard became an IBM Selectric; molten lead became offset plates. It was a real re-skilling, not a small one — a different machine, a different trade, at an age when most people stop learning new ones.

The third machine

The shop found its footing on a strange, narrow market: Berkeley then required graduate theses to be printed, not “Xeroxed,” and there was steady, respectable work in doing properly what a photocopier could only do badly. For a while, that requirement was the business.

It didn’t last. The rule changed, the copier got good enough, and the market my dad had built his second act on simply stopped existing — the same way the compositor’s market had stopped existing, the same way the Linotype operator’s had. Three machines, three trades, one man standing on each shrinking piece of ground in turn.

Whose story is it

Linotype histories, as a genre, get written about the men who owned the machines and the men who built them. Even the operator’s history — when someone bothers to tell it — usually stops at one displacement, as if a man who loses his trade to a machine either finds a permanent new one or doesn’t. My dad found three, in succession, each one narrower than the last, and the history of that — of re-skilling as a way of life rather than a one-time event — doesn’t get written at all. It just gets lived, by somebody’s father, and remembered, if it’s lucky, by somebody’s son.

Categories
Memories Radio San Francisco/California

Radio Hill

Radio Studio in Hotel

In the mid-1960s you could stand on California Street between the Fairmont and the Mark Hopkins on Nob Hill and know that two different San Franciscos were being invented a hundred yards apart.

KSFO lived inside the Fairmont. KYA lived at One Nob Hill Circle, the annex that had once belonged to KSFO. They had traded rooms a few years earlier. The adult station and the kid station were living in each other’s former houses.

I listened from Westlake in Daly City. I was in high school. We had just moved from Ohio. It seemed strange, even then, that one of the voices came out of a hotel.

I was deep into ham radio then, so I studied how the stations actually worked, not just how they sounded. At the Fairmont you could see into the KSFO studios through glass walls. KYA’s transmitter sat on the hill above Candlestick. Both were 5,000 watts. Nothing special. Up on San Bruno Mountain, James Gabbert would fire up KPEN — later KIOI — licensed for 120,000 watts and the first FM stereo west of St. Louis. I knew the difference between those numbers before I knew much else about the city I’d landed in.

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Categories
Music Radio San Francisco/California

Remembering San Francisco’s KKSF

KKSF FM on the radio overlooking San Francisco

At midnight on July 31, 1987, KKSF came alive at 103.7 FM.

The first thing anyone heard was Steve Winwood, “Back in the High Life Again,” which is either a coincidence or the most on-the-nose piece of programming in the history of San Francisco radio. Because that is more or less what the station promised everybody who found it in the weeks after: a higher life, a smoother one, arriving at 103.7 on your dial like a room you didn’t know you’d been missing.

I found it not long after, in my kitchen, which is where I found most things back then. The radio sat on the counter, tuned low enough that it lived beneath the sound of dishes and the refrigerator door and whatever else was happening in a life that was in the middle of being built.

This was after 8-tracks and before anyone had figured out you could carry a hundred thousand songs in your pocket, which meant the radio still had a kind of authority it doesn’t have now. You didn’t choose the next song. Somebody chose it for you, and you trusted them, the way you trust a bartender who’s been reading a room for twenty years.

On KKSF, the person doing the choosing had impeccable taste and a voice like a hand on your shoulder telling you it was going to be fine.

I think about how strange that arrangement sounds now, handing your afternoon over to a stranger’s judgment, and how completely I didn’t question it then. Roger Coryell had the mornings, or near enough to them, and he had that particular gift — rarer than people think — of sounding as though he was talking to exactly one person, and that the person happened to be you, standing at your own counter in your own kitchen a hundred miles from the studio.

Miranda Wilson took the middle of the day and kept it there for years, eventually becoming the last live voice on a station that had long since become an institution.

I didn’t know, listening in 1988 or 1991 or whenever it was, that I was living inside something that had an expiration date.

You never do.

You think the kitchen and the counter and the voice on the radio are just Tuesday, just the texture of an ordinary life. It takes twenty years and a different city outside the window before you understand that you were actually inside an era, capital E, and that eras, unlike Tuesdays, do not come back.

There was a name for what KKSF was doing: New Adult Contemporary, or NAC. But nobody listening in the kitchen cared about the name. The idea was simple enough — give the Bay Area something between the rock stations shouting at it and the classical stations lecturing it, light jazz easing into soft rock easing into something with a saxophone in it that nobody could quite name. Holding it together, day after day, song after song, was a program director named Steve Feinstein, chasing down lesser-known imports and out-of-print oddities that gave the station its particular ear, until he died in September of 1996, still on the job.

What they created was a kind of ambient permission.

You didn’t have to hurry.

You didn’t have to shout.

You didn’t even have to know what you were listening to.

The music simply arrived, and you let it stay.

There was a version of San Francisco in those years that felt, at least to me, as though it had room for that kind of unhurried, unbranded taste. This wasn’t necessarily a gentler city in any objective sense. San Francisco had plenty of its own troubles then, as it always has. But it was the city I was living in, and KKSF somehow belonged to its frequency.

Real estate hadn’t yet eaten everything. The tech money was already there, but it hadn’t yet rearranged the furniture of the entire region around itself. There were still corners of the Bay Area where nobody seemed to be optimizing anything.

KKSF didn’t optimize.

It curated.

And there is a difference.

The station lasted twenty-two years, which sounds like nothing until you try to think of anything else in your life that lasted twenty-two years without you noticing it was a relationship.

Then, in May 2009, it stopped being itself.

By then Clear Channel owned the station, and economics won. The format disappeared, the music changed, and Miranda’s voice — which had been finding its way into kitchens across the Bay Area for years — went quiet on that frequency for good.

I didn’t hear it happen.

I was somewhere else by then, doing something else, the way you are when the things that shaped you quietly stop existing without asking your permission first.

I only found out later, the way you find out most things now: long after the fact, scrolling, discovering that a piece of your own furniture had been sold at auction while you weren’t looking.

What I keep coming back to isn’t the music, exactly, though I could still hum half of it.

It’s the kitchen.

And the particular quality of trust required to let somebody else choose what you’d hear next — to be doing stuff and suddenly hear a song you’d never have chosen on your own, and follow it somewhere you wouldn’t have gone. I miss the feeling that the world could still surprise me without first asking what I wanted. Old world radio curation.

Sometimes I think about the city outside that kitchen window, too. It doesn’t sound like that anymore. It doesn’t have quite the same room, at least to my ears, for anything that isn’t trying to be the loudest thing in the room.

Sometimes when music is playing in the background and my mind is wandering I think of KKSF and how a radio station is just a number until somebody fills it with twenty-two years of somebody else’s kindness and wonderful taste.

Categories
Living Memories

The Depth of the Dimes

The lifeguard came out with a canvas bag, and that was the signal. Saturday morning, Kettering, Ohio, the municipal pool not yet warmed by the day, and forty kids arranging themselves along the edge like something had been rehearsed, though nobody had rehearsed it. We knew the shape of the thing without being told. He would walk to about the middle of the deck, and he would start throwing coins into the water.

Not pennies, mostly. I remember that distinctly, the way you remember the specifics of a thing you can’t explain the pull of. Nickels and dimes, a scattering of quarters, no half dollars that I ever saw hit the surface. Somebody in the recreation department had made a decision about denominations, a budget, maybe, or a sense of what a Saturday morning was worth to forty kids in Ohio in the summer, and none of us thought about that then. We watched the coins fall instead. That’s the part I keep returning to — not the diving, the falling. Coins don’t drop through water the way they drop through air. They wobble. They catch light and lose it. They take their time getting to the bottom, and you’d track one the way you’d track a hawk, losing it, finding it again against the pool floor, memorizing the spot before it disappeared into the general scatter of everything else he’d thrown.

We tried to angle ourselves near the shallow end, obviously. That was the whole strategy, such as it was — get positioned somewhere you could stand, somewhere your ears wouldn’t need to fight the pressure, somewhere the breath-holding would be a formality instead of a genuine risk. But the lifeguard wasn’t interested in making it easy. He’d throw a few coins shallow, just enough to keep the little kids occupied, and then he’d load up the deep end, and that’s where the real money went down. If you wanted more than a couple of nickels, you had to go where you couldn’t stand.

Then the countdown, and then all of us at once, forty kids hitting the water in the same three seconds, which meant the water itself turned against you before you’d even started looking — churned, clouded, chlorine stinging worse than usual because now there were elbows in it, knees, someone’s foot near your face. I wasn’t especially good at it. I want to say that plainly, because I don’t think I was; I’d come up with a handful, four or five coins, sometimes a quarter if I’d gotten lucky with the angle, and that felt like enough. Enough to matter. Enough to walk back to the locker room afterward with my trunks pocket sagging and clinking, enough to spend the rest of the morning transferring nickels and dimes into my actual pants pocket like a kid who’d earned something.

There was a boy down the street whose father worked at NCR, and some Saturdays he’d disappear to Old River instead — a real pool, he made sure we knew, an enormous one, with none of this scrounging-for-change business. I remember being aware of that difference without being able to name what it meant. He had the better pool. We had the lifeguard with the canvas bag.

I came across a piece online the other day, something about swimming and what it might mean, the kind of essay that circles a simple physical act until it turns into a meditation on something larger, and it knocked this memory loose after forty years of sitting untouched. I don’t know why that particular Saturday ritual is the one that stayed. Not the swimming lessons, not the diving board, not anything a person would call a memory on purpose. Just the coins going down, and all of us watching them go, already planning where we’d be standing when the countdown ended.

Categories
Food and Drink Living

The Toast

The bread came out dark, most days — darker than it needed to be. I never said anything. She’s gone now, and the sandwich has become a kind of monument, and you don’t deface a monument.

It was Wonder Bread, always — the wrapper with the balloons, bought on the same trip as the milk. My father’s favorite bread was Roman Meal, for his sandwiches with cold cuts, ham and bologna. Not with this one, though. The BLT got Wonder Bread. No special reason for it. Just the reason a family has for anything: once, and then always.

Kraft mayonnaise, from the jar. The same jar for everything else. Mom did not experiment. She had the regular things she made, and made them the same way every time.

Dad was picky about most food. This one he ate. I don’t know why. Maybe nothing beats bacon fat and tomato juice. Maybe it got in early, before he’d built his defenses, and stayed in by seniority.

No pickles in her BLTs. I didn’t miss them then. We use Claussen slices now, cut flat for this exact purpose, and good farmers’ market tomatoes when the season allows it.

Lunch, mostly. Rarely dinner.

Past a certain point, toast stops helping the tomato and starts blocking it. Hers had crossed that point, most days. I ate it anyway. Said nothing.

We make our own now, on sourdough, and it has never once tasted like hers. Not technique. You don’t get the sandwich back — any more than the kitchen, or the summer, or a mother at the counter making lunch for a picky man and a son who never once told her.

Note: inspired by the article “The Secret to a Perfect BLT Isn’t What You Think” by J.J. Goode in the New York Times.

Categories
Stanford

Those Empty Switchbacks

I stopped when I hit this passage in Theo Baker’s new book, How to Rule the World:

“…through the redwood forests so thick with foliage that we couldn’t see the sun… some of the greatest driving roads in the world, with empty switchbacks and hairpins and sweeping corners to test ourselves. Never in my freshman year did I feel freer than on those drives.”

Seventeen years old, newly arrived at Stanford, and already he’d found the loophole. A few minutes off campus, past the ambition and the networking, the road empties out and climbs into redwoods so thick the sun disappears.

I know those roads. I’ve driven them for decades. Skyline on a clear morning, fog still sitting in the valleys. The curves above the coast when the Pacific goes the color of hammered silver. The sudden dark under the redwood canopy, ten degrees colder, the world narrowed to headlights and wet pavement.

Take Skyline up to Mountain House some evening for dinner with friends and you’ve driven the whole argument of this essay without meaning to. A few miles of switchbacks first, the fog closing in and opening up again, and then the parking lot with its redwood out front and the wood carving of Neil Young standing under it, watching you arrive.

What struck me wasn’t nostalgia. It was that Baker had gotten the feeling exactly right. The phone in the cupholder, the next meeting, the slow arithmetic of a life — gone, for the length of a few good corners. Just you, the machine, the light.

I felt an early version of it as a boy, in the back of a blue Dodge Dart, summer of 1960. Every evening my father spread the day’s map across the hood and studied tomorrow’s route. By noon the thin red lines were real places under our wheels. I never lost that. Decades later, living a few miles from the campus Baker writes about, the same lift still comes when the road opens and the hills start to roll.

The switchbacks demand attention and punish you for withholding it. In return: the rare feeling of being exactly where you were, with nowhere else to be. These days I find myself more protective of those pockets, not less.

The roads are still there. The redwoods still offer the same deal they offered a seventeen-year-old freshman. And at the top of the hill, under the big tree, Neil Young keeps watching the cars come up.

Categories
Business Startups Venture Capital

Great Open-Field Runners

The plane was somewhere over Nebraska. Dick Kramlich sat across from me. We were on the same board then, and the rides together had become their own kind of conversation. He talked 1:1 the way certain men do when the clock has stopped mattering: without hurry, without the need to impress.

I asked him the question that had been riding with me for a while. After decades of sitting with founders, after watching tens of companies rise or disappear, what was the difference? What separated the ones that made it from the ones that simply ran out of road?

He didn’t answer right away. He looked out the window for a moment, then back.

They had done a study once, he said — a hard look at outcomes, not opinions. What it found stuck with him ever after: the companies that survived were almost never the ones that had stuck to the plan. Success required the pivot. Not once, but again and again, until the company that arrived was almost unrecognizable from the one that had set out.

Then he gave the image that has stayed with me longer than any spreadsheet or term sheet.

He looked for great open-field runners.

Not the ones who could only run between the tackles, powering straight ahead into the line. The ones who could see daylight where it did not yet exist, who could plant a foot and cut, who understood that the shortest path is rarely the one that gets you home. Zig and zag. Feel the defense shift and refuse to be trapped by the original play call. Keep the ball moving toward the only thing that matters: the space that opens when you stop insisting the field must look the way you imagined it on the whiteboard.

I have carried that sentence for years. Great open-field runners.

It never felt elegant inside the room.

Kramlich had seen enough to know that the founders who could do this were rare. The ones who lasted treated the plan the way a great running back treats the designed play: as a starting point, not a contract with the universe. They trusted the daylight more than the diagram.

I think about him sometimes when the ground shifts under something I thought was settled — when a strategy that once felt inevitable begins to feel like a trap, when the clean line on the page starts to look like a cage.

Dick is gone now. The rides are over. But the image remains, clean and sharp as the day he offered it at thirty thousand feet: a runner in open space, eyes up, cutting toward the light that only appears after you abandon the path you thought you were supposed to take.