Categories
Living Walking

The Heron at Sharon Park

The heron did not fly.

Herons stand in water every morning of the world. Most don’t fly when a man walks past on a gravel path. But this one was close — close enough to see the yellow ring around its eye like a struck coin, the black cap combed back into two sharp feathers, a heron dressed for church. It considered me, or the water, or nothing at all, holding a stillness that costs a heron nothing and would cost me everything.

Sharon Park keeps a rotating cast of herons the way other places keep pigeons — gray, ill-tempered looking, small monks set down among the ducks. Usually they see me first and go up off the water in that ungainly unfolding, all elbows, and I’m left with the consolation of having glimpsed something before it left. This one let me stay. Let me get close enough to think the word friendly, though I know better — what I was seeing was a fish, or the absence of one, some interior calculus that had nothing to do with me. I was not a guest. I was weather.

It stood on one leg in green water, a green wall of reflected trees behind it, the low light turning that whole ceiling of water the color of a bottle. Its double stood beneath it, upside down, exact, patient as the original. Two herons for the price of one — one of feather, one of light, and I couldn’t have told you which was more real. The one in the water bent its neck into a shape the standing bird hadn’t made yet. It knew something the standing bird didn’t know, or had already forgotten.

Bubbles rose between them, a seam breaking the skin of the pond in a line, as though something down there were breathing, or as though the pond had decided, just this once, to show its work. Gas, probably, some decaying business at the bottom. But it looked like punctuation — the pond trying to say something and getting only as far as a string of commas before losing the thought.

I stood there longer than the moment required. This is what a heron does, if it lets you close and doesn’t leave: it makes you overstay. I thought about how little the bird was doing and how much I was doing to it — assigning it moods, welcoming it into my morning, when the truth was likely that it was simply waiting, the way I wait for coffee to cool, without company, without me. And yet it let me stay. Whatever arithmetic decided that, I was on the right side of it, for once, on an ordinary morning, my shoes going damp at the toe from standing too close to the edge.

Eventually I walked on, the way the heron surely expected I would, since staying is not a thing men do at ponds. I looked back once. It hadn’t moved. Its reflection hadn’t moved. The bubbles were still rising in their careful, aimless line — saying nothing, saying everything, the pond continuing to be a pond after I’d stopped watching it be one.

Categories
Aging Living San Francisco/California Street Photography

The Zone

I have been alive for nearly a third of the time this country has existed. It arrived the way facts do at a certain age, sideways, while I was thinking about something else, and it sat me down. Two hundred and fifty years, and my own decades take up a third of it — whether I meant to claim that much room or not.

I used to think the road was where I went to escape the smallness of a life. Now the road doesn’t call the way it once did. Some of that is willingness. More of it, if I’m honest, is a body that’s less steady, a bladder with a mind of its own. The body files its objections. I used to override them. I no longer do — not because I’ve grown wise, but because the overriding costs more than it used to and buys less.

But I want to tell you about what I got instead, most Fridays, for not quite a decade, because it isn’t nothing.

Doug came across on the ferry from Larkspur, and I’d meet him at the Ferry Building — watching the boat come in, watching him pick his way down the gangway with his camera bag, before either of us had said a word or made a single decision about where to walk. Then we’d head out along the Embarcadero, sometimes up into the financial district, and for the first ten minutes my mind would do what minds do. It would analyze. It would compose. There, the light coming off that glass tower, wait for the man in the overcoat to cross into it, no — too late, gone. Appraising and timing, the way I’d once weighed a stock, or a runway, or a route.

And then, without my choosing it, something released. There’s no threshold you feel yourself cross. But sometime after the tenth minute, the appraising stopped, and seeing took over. Not looking for. Not looking at. The street would stop being a set of problems to solve and become only itself: a longshoreman on a break outside a pier, a gull working the same patch of pavement three times, fog sliding under the Bay Bridge like it had somewhere to be. Doug, a few yards off, would go quiet the same way, and we’d shoot for an hour or two and then find each other again at the end of the block.

By then we’d have worked up an appetite for something other than pictures. Tadich Grill, if we could get in — the linen and the old wood and the waiters who’d been there longer than some of our careers. We’d order something plain and good, and that’s when the talking would start. Not small talk. The real kind. Work, kids, the state of things, whatever had lodged itself in each of us that week. The seeing on the street and the talking over lunch were not two different activities. They were the same hour, extended. One was attention paid to the world. The other was attention paid to each other.

I have flown airplanes and driven through weather I shouldn’t have, and I loved both for the demand they made on me — the total, narrowing attention that leaves no room for the self that worries. What I didn’t understand then was that a boat crossing from Larkspur, and a Friday, and an old friend across a table at Tadich, could ask the same thing of me, for free, without a single mile of my own driving.

Covid stopped it. Not gradually — the way most rituals fade, through scheduling and distance and the slow drift of people’s lives — but all at once, the way everything stopped that spring. The ferry didn’t run. The restaurants closed. We never quite picked it back up, not the way it was. I don’t think either of us decided to let it go. It just didn’t survive being interrupted.

A third of the country’s whole life, and it took me most of my own to learn what those Fridays were teaching me — and then to lose them before I’d finished learning it. I still see the ferry pulling in. I still see Doug on the gangway with his camera bag, in no hurry, already half in the zone before his feet touch the dock.

Categories
Creativity Photographers Photography Serendipity Writing

He Taught Us How to See

Michelangelo said he didn’t create his sculptures. He just removed the marble that wasn’t the statue.

I’ve been thinking about that lately. About what it means to have a collaborator whose job isn’t to add things but to help you find what’s already there. I’ve been doing that kind of work recently — the excavation kind — and it has changed how I write and honestly how much I enjoy the making of it.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Start with Jay.